When I first began my coaching career I deliberately withheld. Clients would come to me with big emotional issues, and I felt the best way to help them was to keep parts of me hidden, so as not to disrupt their process. I also felt this was the best way to ‘hold space’ and that if I shared about my personal life, the tables might turn, landing me in the metaphorical client’s seat. I was also only willing to flash a bit of vulnerability, costing me both clients and personal relationships. Of course much of this was born out of beginner’s insecurity, but also misinformation.
At the same time, my thoughts back then were also true. Oversharing or disrupting another’s expression doesn’t serve in any situation, but my wisdom hadn’t yet grown roots. I was operating from a dualistic model of either/or where following rules was more important than following intuition. I’ve discovered that my own life experiences and emotional intelligence are not only important, but essential pieces to share in all sectors of my life, including my work as an intimacy coach. Discernment is a key ingredient here. Sometimes sharing can be helpful, and sometimes it’s wise to hold back.
Today I made the ‘mistake’ of taking a personal family call one hour before a session. Child/parent dynamics were needing to be sifted through and the content was heavy and tense. I wasn’t able to extract myself from the call until my client was literally walking toward the door. When he entered, I noticed myself masking my feelings (bulldozing) with a huge smile (quite the opposite of how I felt) and saw that I was trying to polarize myself, yanking my energetic body from one field into another. I fooled both him and myself through the greeting hug and coat removal process. Then he asked how I was, giving me an opportunity to use my more seasoned discernment.
As his journey with me clearly revolved around a longing to feel true intimacy, I determined in that moment that a heaping portion of vulnerability was the best serving for today’s intimacy ‘meal’. “Honestly, I’ve had better mornings I told him” and his eyes invited me to not only continue, but to go deep. So I did. My tearful share opened doors for him to enter more genuinely into his own experience, while at the same time practicing presence and not ‘fixing’ anything. We were both shining with gratitude by session’s end, basking in the afterglow that comes when two people dive deeply into the magical realms of authentic vulnerability.
Love Coaching With Wendy 