Filters

It seems we can all agree that lenses and filters are something that we come into this world free from. (Irony noted😉) We are born completely open to what is around us. It is only with time and shaping by our environment that we end up viewing the world with our specific filters. These filters are necessary to help us navigate the world, protect us from real and perceived harm, and get us what we want. A small child who has lived with dogs and had an opportunity to connect with them as loving beings, learns to love dogs. Another child’s exposure to dogs may be minimal, and perhaps one time a dog bared teeth and snarled at them. Their filter may make them wary of dogs, and later in life perhaps they become more of a ‘cat person’ rather than a ‘dog person’. Without connecting the dots, they may blow it off as simply part of their personality. (Cats are more nuanced and interesting. Dogs are loud and needy.) Filters are insidiously sneaky.

Of course filters can be helpful too, as making decisions would be impossible without them. Choosing who to socialize with at a party and doing that socializing without being a complete asshole requires filters. If we didn’t have them well in place, we would say whatever we thought at any given time, and lose the ability to focus. Realizing that our perspective isn’t the only valid one out there requires at least a basic understanding of the role that filters play.

Walking around in our own bubble, unaware of our filters can wreak havoc on our relationships. Left to our instincts which want to keep us safe, we view people through our lenses (filters) and make instant judgements, often inaccurate assumptions that separate us. (Consider what is happening in politics right now and you get the point.)

Knowing yourself and your biases and judgements (aka filters) helps with bonding, and alleviates division. The next time you notice yourself making an assumption about your partner, step back and take a look at your own filters. Is it possible this person is operating from a completely different set of instructions that has carried them through life in a particular way for particular reasons? What can you learn from this and how can you stretch to meet them in their reality, if for no other reason than to better understand them? Taking several breaths before asserting or responding is helpful. Creating a time to share about perspectives and why we believe the way we do is imperative in creating lasting and healthy relationships where both partners feel seen and heard. In essence, the better you know yourself and your filters, the more agency and joy is available to you in all of your connections.

Take aways:

• Notice when you feel right about something and recognize it is simply a filter you have adopted.
• Take time to reflect on your partner’s belief system and how you can support them.
• Take several breaths and remember these things when you notice an urge to react rather than respond.