The idea that Family is complex is inherent in it’s very structure. We are born into a family and by default it becomes our first barometer for what’s important, who and how we are in relation to others, and our very code of conduct in the world. In my family, I noticed this holiday weekend that some patterns came to the surface that triggered some old feelings in me, both positive and negative. On the light side, my brother and I are back in communication after years of not being, and (for better or worse…or both) he is the same old brother I have always known and loved. Of course I only see him through my lenses, and so this weekend I worked at opening my aperture to view him from a wider perspective as I’m sure, like me, he has changed with time. With practice, I hope to hone my ability to see his growth with fresh eyes as opposed to just the accustomed character ‘defects’ as well as lovable qualities I’ve witnessed for 50 plus years. His wife I’m choosing to focus in on her lighter parts that have an open heart for animals, her grown children, and a spirituality that transcends so much. A true matriarch in her family, and I respect that.
Speaking of which, Moms are a big deal in any family. I know, I am one. And of course I have one. And my Mom is a beautiful soul for sure. True to her nature, Sharon greeted me with open arms and a wide smile the evening I arrived. She always welcomes me warmly, and after a longish afternoon of being with my partner’s more solemn family, that was very much welcomed as I stepped through the door.
But it didn’t take long before I was noticing something off between us. Of course we have our family issues, and it’s commonplace especially with mothers and daughters if they’re doing any digging into family dynamics at all. And the issues can create a lot of pain if not brought to conscious light. As far as I see it, we come to this planet to work stuff out and I really want to do that, and so we’re never really ‘done’. To me, we dig to find the gold in the muck, and it usually takes some blood, sweat, and tears, but the rewards are immense. For her, the digging is pointless, scary even— the gold is in plain sight in a sunny field full of daisies. If you don’t feel good, you pretend you do until the golden field is all around you.
I think sometimes this is actually good working advice, but usually not. Usually that method denies the harder stuff that has accumulated through the generations and has been denied for a variety of reasons. As is human nature, it won’t easily reveal itself, but still needs some attention so that future generations have a clearer cut path to that golden field that does actually exist. (Just not without some excavation.) But I’m from GenX and she’s at the tail end of the Silent Generation, and also we’re very different personality types, so our difference in viewpoints make sense. And for me, these are just more intriguing reasons to keep digging. And to her credit, maybe I can also move toward that elusive field of golden daisies more often. I suppose it doesn’t always have to be such arduous work to be in a family. Perhaps if we just continue to be curious about understanding ourselves and others the best we can and move from a place of respect for differences, we’ll be okay. And maybe it’s in the consciously curated differences where we find our way to that golden field that ultimately does shines through us and permeates the whole of humankind. And just maybe, like all of our beginnings, it starts in the dark and moves out into the light to radiate around us all. Certainly That is something to be Thankful for!
Love Coaching With Wendy 